And Often I Wonder..."When?"

Right now, just left, and soon just became now
Time is on time, someway somehow
When 'wait' is never ending
then 'waited' has ended
When does "still waiting' have its end

Each second that passes, each minute along
I'm aware of my mortality, my 'swan song'
What will it be, and when will it come?
Because 'right now' just left, and soon is hurrying on.
'Wait' becomes 'waiting', and 'waited' has gone.

Dreams and desires showcased, in my everyday actions
Disappointments, delays highlighted, leaving just fractions
Of time remaining, of life still sustaining
When 'wait' become 'waiting', and 'waited' has fainted.

And often I wonder,
I just wonder,
And I ponder,
When?

The Only Thing Missing is You

Everything is in order. Set in motion on purpose.
The job, the house, the car,..vacations...
I've planned my life from little, putting things in order.
Strengthened by trials. Lessons learned. Lessons taught.
Some came and went. Some still around.
You know I start the dream job next week- Systems Analyst in that engineering firm.
Promotion chances are great I hear- I plan to stick around.
Broke ground two days ago on that nice lot we talked about some time ago.
Blueprints approved. Everything in order. Everything's a 'go'.
Just like I imagined, just like we dreamed.
One day you and I are gonna' 'run this thing'.....
And now....
The only thing missing
Is you.

I Write

Sitting thinking about my life, and unfortunate circumstances that surround me, I just want to scream.
Scream because I'm angry.
Scream because I'm helpless.
Scream because I see no way out.
Scream because it hurts.
So I write.
I write to release, to breathe and de-stress.
I write because I live in an apartment and screaming would draw unwanted attention.
I write because I'm alone and the walls don't talk, and even if they did- they already know, they see, they hear.
I write because the bills need to be paid.
I write because I'm hungry, and groceries need to be made.
Writing is my therapy for all I endure. My pains, my trials, disappointments and fears.
When the weight of the world is pressing down, and I can hardly stand;
and my tears I don't want the world to experience, I sit at my computer, feet up on my couch...
And I write.

All Up In My Feelings

Now that I've completed my degree there is nothing keeping me from thinking of you. Now that no more homework is due, I can't shut you out my mind- the way I use to. Here all alone, as I've always been, I find no solitude in starting a new journey, a new life, with my newly acquired skills and education- without you. Soon I will be an empty nester,  and I'm scared of what that kind of loneliness may lead me to do- without you. When will things change? When will I win? I'm starting to hate love- hate this heart I've been given, with it's ability to love- in spite of, its capacity to care- without provocation. When will it learn? When will it become so jaded by unrequited love, unfulfilled dreams and harden itself? When and how do I get it to stop scaling the walls put up by my mind? Someday, it'll finally refuse to exist, I know, but until then- I'll keep hoping, keep praying, keep loving, keep being all up in my feelings.

You Heard It All Before

I heard you found out things didn’t work as you thought;
That all you’d been preaching was breath wasted for naught.
I saw somewhere where you caught what was given
Same knowledge I threw, same words..you didn’t listen
They tell me your eyes have been opened
That you’re reaping what you sowed
Tried helping you there
But from me you wouldn’t adhere
What’s incredible though, are the lessons you’ve learned
The heartaches and disappointments, your suffering and trials
Came from those to whom you were quite loyal
A loyalty they never earned.

You should have seen it coming
I gave it to you squarely
But from me you were to busy running
To acknowledge the truth fairly

Now you're backed in a corner, back against the wall
I can help you, you see, but you’re to stubborn to call
So I’ll stand here and watch as you fight a losing battle,
Until you’re exhausted and can’t sink any further
They told you the truths of the matter
Then they shut their doors
Life isn’t like you prattled,
You finally learned, and now you can see...
But, you’d heard it all before.

FOR ALL THE MEN/WOMEN WHO SAY ALL WOMEN/MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. "Who told you to try them all????"
2. "You chose her/him on your own preconceived notion of what 'works' and how he/she should be. HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU???
3. "REMEMBER, IF THEY CHEATED, DID YOU WRONG, ETC:- YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE"
4. DON'T COMPLAIN IF YOU THINK ALL ARE THE SAME. THERE IS NOT ONE PERSON EVER WHO HAS NOT BEEN MISTREATED, LEFT, CHEATED IN A RELATIONSHIP MARRIAGE. SO TECHNICALLY, EVERY MAN/WOMAN HAS THE 'RIGHT' TO THINK ALL WOMEN/MEN ARE THE SAME- BECAUSE OF THEIR EXPERIENCE WITH A WOMAN/MAN...WHICH MEANS YOU YOURSELF ARE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE- THE SAME. NO GOOD. A MANGY DOG. A BYTCH. A WHORE. GOLDDIGGER.

WE NEED TO RID OURSELVES OF THESE DANGEROUS AND MISGUIDED MINDSETS..OR ACCEPT THE TRUTH OF THAT MINDSET- WE OURSELVES FALL INTO THE CATEGORY OF A NO GOOD MAN OR A NO GOOD WOMAN.

AS FOR ME- I KNOW BETTER, SO I'M GOING TO DO BETTER. I HAVE THE MATURITY, WISDOM, STRENGTH AND SELF DETERMINATION TO NOT ONLY KNOW, BUT UNDERSTAND AND EXERCISE THE FACT THAT I CANNOT JUDGE ANOTHER ON ANY OTHER. OTHERS THAT WERE NO LESS MY OWN CHOICES. CHOICES I MADE BECAUSE I FELT IF HE WAS SUCH AND SUCH, DID SUCH AND SUCH- HE WAS A GOOD CHOICE. CHOICES I MADE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T QUESTION MY WHEREABOUTS, WATCHED CHICK FLICKS WITH ME, LIKED MY COOKING, SAW EYE TO EYE ON NEARLY EVERYTHING WITH ME..THAT HE WAS A GOOD CHOICE. WHAT I FOUND WAS ONE OF US WAS LYING. ONE OF US WASN'T BEING REAL. IT WAS BOUND TO END. YOU CAN ONLY SUPPRESS WHO YOU ARE FOR SO LONG. I FOUND HE DIDN'T CROWD MY SPACE, BUT INSTEAD SHOWED A PERSONA OF COMPLETE TRUST- BECAUSE TRUTH WAS HE DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO ASK WHERE I'D BEEN, WHERE I WAS GOING. HE HAD HIS OWN 'AGENDA'.
PEOPLE ARE SO FRAGILE! THEY WANT TOTAL AND COMPLETE TRUST FROM ANOTHER. THE ABSURDITY OF THAT IS INCREDULOUS: DO YOU NOT KNOW:
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT INTO THE 'HIS/HER PRIVACY' IDEAL LAYING IN THEIR GRAVES- DEAD FROM AIDS. BULLETS AND KNIFE WOUNDS AND OTHER THINGS BECAUSE THEIR MAN WOMAN WAS SEEING/FLIRTING WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO WASN'T MENTALLY STABLE?
DO YOU NOT KNOW THERE ARE ALSO CHEATERS WHO THEMSELVES ARE LAYING PROSTATE IN COLD GRAVE BECAUSE THEY GOT CAUGHT? WAS THE OUTSIDE 'THANG' WORTH IT?????? HMM, I WONDER.
DO YOU NOT KNOW SOME PEOPLE HIDE MENTAL ILLNESS VERY WELL, AND THE WRONG THING : A 'WINK', 'COME ON', 'FLIRT', IS ALL IT TAKES TO 'SET THEM OFF'. WHAT YOU MEANT FOR FUN PERHAPS, WAS SERIOUS BUSINESS FOR THEM. REJECTION OF THEM IN ANY KIND OF WAY CAN OPEN A CAN OF WORMS YOU AIN'T MAN ENOUGH OR WOMEN ENOUGH TO HANDLE.

Tell me..these games..."what are they REALLY worth to you?"
"Your life?" All for another piece of ass or dick. SMH. Pathetic. Simply pathetic.