What It Means…

Many don’t know what it means to love and be loved because sin has pressed in and as a result so many are hurt. Bitter. Scarred. Frightened little children. In turn, they hurt those that love them mercilessly, embracing those who ‘enjoy’ them. It’s a vicious cycle of immaturity, and this cycle must stop. You’d think a hurt person would not want another to experience the same pain, but it’s not that way. Hurt people are miserable people, quickly demoted from adult to immature child by pain they may not have deserved. In essence, it’s a power thing. They hurt those that love them because they can. See, it’s a matter of fact that you can’t hurt those who don’t care, so the bruised ego and slipping self-esteem wreak havoc on the unsuspecting undeserving heart and mind. Oh, but time! In time they’ll reap all they’ve sown and perhaps even more since they know… how it feels to be used…lied to…led on….cheated on…..physically abused….emotionally neglected…..mentally beaten down…. they know it too well. And yet, they continue to cling to the imbecile thought processes their minds have created, where it's better to use than be used, play so they may not have to pay….deceive rather than love…..lie rather than be real. But that cost, that cost my dears, the cost for misusing another because they love you is steep… but you will have to pay. There will not be any IOUs, no credit, and nothing waived…simply what you have sown is what you shall pay…Reaping time is near. Beware.
I chose to stop the cycle. The buck stops with me. Been hurt before, used, abused, lie to and lied on, cheated and mistreated, left and betrayed, but I chose to let all that build me instead. Build me into an even better woman. And one day….one King will rejoice!
What it means to love and be loved? It means you are not an island unto yourself. It means your words and your actions you maturely take accountability for. It means being able to be in the ‘candy store’ but having the mental capacity to place yourself in check, to temporarily wear the other’s shoes and know that you’ve been trusted with another’s heart..and treat it as your own. It means compromise. It means communication. It especially means understanding that sometimes your partner may need from you what you’re not really prepared to give…but giving anyway.
Love is a two-way street though. You should not expect what you won’t give. Respecting the ‘friendship’ aspect and being real. If you’re not ready, moving aside and allowing a better man/woman to come in. There are many reasons people may not be ready, but the biggest reason is due to immaturity…the after effects of being with the wrong one(s).
I blog my thoughts to help in seeing, and seeing is healing. I don’t know if they’re read, but I hope I am able to help someone start their own journey to healing. Healing is so very important because we were all created to love and be loved. When love is in your heart and it is being exercised, then we can truly worship our Creator, in spirit and in truth. If we harbor bitterness and cause strife, especially hurting another, any worship is just lip service.
Lord, I love you so much! You created me with a heart that has withstood some ‘tests’, and you know even more than I know about it. Thank you for all you do, all you’ve done, and all you’re getting ready to do in my life. I embrace love. I ooze love. I am love. For that I thank you. And when I’m broken because of love, I know you can really use me. Use me, Lord. Use me up!  My desire is to be used by you. I have no clue the cost of my "Yes", but if what I’ve already seen is even close, my God! Strengthen me…but use me.

In His Presence

It’s amazing what He can do

in a matter of moments.

Just a few hours in His Presence and I’m feeling brand new

I’m a new Queen, with a whole new attitude

It’s simply amazing

What time with my God can do

Oh how I love Jesus

How excellent is He

I laid my burdens down at His feet

They were too heavy for me you see

and more importantly they were blocking my view of Him

He looked down at my pile I’d labored to bear

Smiled as if to say “That’s all you could carry?”

See I know I am His and He is mine

If it’s not His best, it’s just a waste of my time

Prostrate on my face before Him

I thought I’d have to be there a while

But He did all He did- in little over an hour

You can call me Queen T from now on

I’ll answer to that.  Or my given name Torrey

Dear, Love, Beautiful, Sweetheart, Baby

according to our acquaintance

See He told me I was Royalty

So you’re going to treat me as such

I’m so happy I’m free,

So happy it’s done

So very glad my SAVIOR told me

I’m number One

No competition, none can compare,

For their looks beauty and brains yet a fleshy heart like mine

Not one of them share

Living in the world, loving the worlds way

Unrecognizable in my Master’s eyes

Oh I’m so happy, so happy I’m free

No worries no fears

‘cause what HE has for ME

Indeed it is for ME

My Hope

I came to you broken, confused, abused,

I didn’t know what to do

You held me gently as I wept

Then you sat me on your knee and you told me:

My child, did I not tell you to cast your cares on me?

I already have the solution you need.

Did I not let you know that all those things work for your good?

Did I not say?

Don’t you know I have numbered the hairs on your head?

Do you believe any of this took me by surprise?

My child, I love you, and I will never forsake you.

Man will always fail you and let you down,

But what I Will, do you not know it will be done?

I stopped crying for a moment and offered up a heartfelt thanks, then took it away when I said ‘but’…

You stopped my tirade, before I could start and lovingly told me..(it went to my heart)…Listen my daughter, you must not doubt, what I have

ordained I will manifest- have I yet said and then have not done?

I’m a jealous God, I will not come second! If you want what I have for you then I must be your first joy!

That trouble you’re facing, it’s only a test- how much do you want MY will for your life? I have not taken my hand from your little situation,

it’s all in my timing, my timing’s not yours and yours is not mine.

Now cheer up my dear daughter, I have not forgotten my promise

I will fulfill it in time, a time when you’re both ready.

Go, do as I have commanded, hold against no man any naught, vengeance is mine…I WILL REPAY

I looked upon His glory one more time, steadied myself and dried my eyes

My Father had spoken,

I knew I’d be fine,

and when the time was right,

what HE’d promised would be mine.

Life Reflections

It has been said ‘if you want a good man, you need to be a good woman”. I agree. But what then if you are a good woman and you’re looked over, set aside, put on a back burner.

It has also been said that a woman of worth will not waste her time with a man that treats her less than she deserves. Again, I agree. But what if that someone is your assignment?

How do you deal with someone who consistently shows you his behind. Does what he wants, when he wants, with whom he wants- with no conscience of how it makes you feel. How do you deal with someone who is consistently that way? Seeing as people really do reap what they sow, do you continue to treat them kindly, or do you wash your hands of them and forget they exist as they so rightly deserve?

I have no answers to any of those questions, so I keep my eyes to the sky. I seek HIM every moment every day. HE told me if I just be still HE would fight my battles. HE said vengeance was HIS. HE also told me that all things work together for the good of those that love HIM, and are called unto HIS purpose.   I love HIM like crazy, with all abandon, and as I said, this person is my ‘calling’- for HIS purpose. I can’t see how or where there could be purpose in this- but HE knows what I don’t know. So I carry, yet again, my pierced and bruised heart, my broken spirit, my wounded sense of worth- to HIM, and I leave it there, until HE fixes it and calls me in and tells me it’s ready to drive again…. and each time I do, I pray HE will set me on a new ‘road’…..but nevertheless, not my will, but HIS will be done.

Can't Understand

You needed a friend and seemed to have none,
You lashed out at all and anyone,
and yet I stayed

One day you were better and they came out the wood works,
You squared your shoulders and threw me away.
and yet I stayed

Feelings I could not control took over my heart,
You saw your chance to tear me apart,
and yet I stayed


Now you shower compliments on all who will listen
while only seeing me in that light in sexual passion
and yet I stayed


I thought someone hurt so bad, done so wrong,
would never inflict the same wounds on someone,
You don't care what you do, don't care how it hurts
Your ego needs stroking,
you fish for mutual admiration from those you deem worthy,
While the one who's proven worthy bleeds from wounds you inflict,
again and again, no mercy, you show,
laughter in your heart, cause you know...
I love you, and each stab deeper, you feel more a man,
While I'm slowly dying, I can't understand,

Why.....

All By Love

I’ve been punched in the face, drug in the mud;
Stomped in the ground, stabbed in the back;
Pushed off a cliff, left in the dark;
Kicked in the gut, discarded like trash;
I’ve had my heart shred to pieces, spit in my face;
Used and abused, neglected and scorned
I’ve given and given ‘til nothing was left- then verbally attacked cause I had nothing more to give.
I’ve been pulled on a string, played like a piano; no tune, no rhythm- just bashing of keys;
I’ve had my reputation sullied, my character questioned; my worth miscalculated- all because I loved….
Been on rollercoasters, blown hot and cold, built up to be dropped- from heights untold…
You’d think I’ve have learned……..aaah, but I did!  
I learned who I am, what I want and where I’m going. I learned how to love, how to give and who needs it most. I learned my purpose, learned my calling…and most of all, I learned I am love and love is me. We are one, we will not part. We are the ultimate weapon, the biggest threat. And in spite of and especially because of mistreatment- we continuously grow stronger and root deeper. No force can ever destroy- the love I have in me, the love I am- all by love.

Reflections…..

It’s been a long time coming, but the time is now at hand. The time to reflect on my life, reflect on me.
To live forty seven years is a blessing, many never get close, but with the outcomes I’ve had, this calls for a praise! In forty seven years I’ve never once had a broken bone, been in a serious car accident, had any major surgeries, been in trouble, been molested or raped; I still have both my parents and all my sisters and brothers. I’ve lost some nieces and nephews, yet God has still continued to bless. Dreams??? Oh I have them, a few I’ve relinquished, but for the most part- they’re coming true. February 9 I will complete my last class to earn my Bachelors of Science in Computer Information Systems. Two days later, my only child will become an adult. I couldn’t be more proud of her. She has given me no problems and I thank God for the ‘helps’ he sent me in the form of ‘father figures’ for her.  Thank you Jesus!!!!  I know I’m going to miss her being around, and I’m really not the type to be alone, but that’s something I am capable of ‘fixing’.  Love. Ahhh, love. So much I can say about it. It’s beautiful. It’s energizing. Wonderful.  But it’s also heart-wrenching, heavy, painful- when you’re in it alone.   I don’t know why my heart will not do as other’s hearts, and love at will, but then again, I’m glad it won’t.  I don’t have time for playing at ‘love’. I don’t, I just really don’t.  This heart of mine…God gave it to me, He made me the way I am, and I know it’s all for a good reason. It hurts sometimes, but one day…..one day.  For someone I’m being prepped, taught, how to truly love….(lucky guy)…I just hope I’m just as blessed with his love.  You might ask me if I ever get tired…..’are you serious?’ would be my response… who doesn’t get tired of giving, giving, giving, giving….and always being last on people’s ‘list’.  Who doesn’t? Are you serious???’  I would love to be able to go back to being the person I used to be….    but I can’t. He brought me from it for a purpose, His purpose, and I will continue to embrace it for as long as I need to.  Anyways……..     as my daughter heads off to her life as an adult, I will be renewing my life……. I have written in pencil my plans, and I’ve given Him the eraser….I just want to be what and who He wants me to be……. not my will, but His will be done.   That’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.
Life is good. Love is wonderful. I’m full of life and full of love. Something GOOD is going to happen!….and it’s going to be just WONDERFUL.

I Don't Know Much...

I don’t have the greatest looks, But I don’t look down on those less fortunate. I eat too much so I don’t have a whittled waist, But I share whatever I have with whoever needs. I don’t have my own transportation, I walk to and fro, But I’ll run ‘your errands’ if you’re unable to. I’m not seen as a ‘keeper’ or a great catch, But if you’re truly my friend, then I’ll have your back. I don’t have perky breasts and toned arms, But I do have the kindest heart you could ever know. I’m not made of stone- I hurt, get jealous, and cry, But I do so because of my capacity to care. I don’t know if I will ever experience being loved, But I have the comfort of knowing I loved. I don’t know if I will ever be a man’s priority, put first,  I’m not sure that I’ve ever really mattered at all...... I love too deep, care too much, forgive too easily and try too hard, I don’t know how after all the hurts, disappointments, rejections, betrayals and setbacks that I’m still able to...... I don’t know that much- But what I do know is Jesus loves me, And I’m sure HE will always see and honor my worth.

I Don't Look Like Where I've Been

I thank GOD I don't LOOK like where I've been!!!!!

I realized just this morning, that GOD's hands has been on me the entire time!
I have been through some STUFF! In some IMPOSSIBLE situations!
I wondered what I'd done wrong. Why did people hate me so? Why would GOD even allow this???
I know now- this morning- that HE allowed all my trials, all my troubles, heartbreaks, disappointments to come because HE was PROCESSING ME!
See, in order to get PURE GOLD, it has to go thru some FIRE! And the PURER the GOLD the HOTTER the FIRE! It is the FIRE that removes the IMPURITIES!!!!
BUT AFTER THE FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LORD I THANK YOU!
BEING LIED TO, LIED ON, FALSELY ACCUSED, REJECTED, DENIED, BETRAYED and USED! IT'S ALL BEEN FOR MY GOOD!!!!!!!!
I'M A 'BAD MAMA JAMA' TODAY-BECAUSE OF IT!
AND GUESS WHAT??? HE'S NOT THROUGH WITH ME YET!!!!!
GLORY TO GOD!

SEE I KNOW HE'S FOR ME- 'CAUSE I DON'T LOOK LIKE WHERE I BEEN!!!!!