A War Rages Inside

A terrible war is raging inside me.
I so so want to continue to believe in love, to always seek out the 'best' in someone.
My emotions, I don't hide, and if I'm in your corner, something or someone is about to catch h-e-double l.
However, way too many experiences are teaching me that this woman that I am is NOT the woman I need to be.
They're teaching me I need to employ some of the same cold selfish and uncompromising ways that nearly 100% of the time I'm 'handled' with.
I used to wonder why in the world someone would choose a career over love.
I understand that completely now.
I also understand that the more you love someone the easier it is for them to turn their back on you and walk away.
Oh yes, there is so much more that I understand now.
If I said that I am tired, I doubt that anyone could really understand, actually, I hope that they can't (the war again).
But I am. Tired.
I dreamed of one day having another baby. That dream is but a distant memory now, fading fast.
What is this thing called love? The reciprocal of it?
I've known it, but never experienced it.
And why is my 'desire' for it ALWAYS asking TOO MUCH?
Why is my wanting someone to 'treat me as I treat them' taboo?
There is a terrible war raging inside.
There will be a casualty.
Who I am or who pain is creating, there can be no middle road.
Only one can win.
Only one can be allowed to survive.
I'm tired, and a war rages inside

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